THE LOCKOUT IS OVER! THE LOCKOUT IS OVER! The NFL Lockout, my friends, has been lifted. Time for the 2011 NFL season to get underway… prepare to have your minds blown. LobShots is throwing viewing parties for every single San Diego Chargers game. We understand that not all fans can afford to buy tickets to the games, or travel for road games. So I, along with Showman and Mac, have spent the entire offseason prepping for these parties. Every party is a destination party that will be an all expenses paid trip for anybody to join us. We are going to melt the face off of every other party you’ve ever been to. Tons of hot chicks, food, booze, giant TVs, and anything else your little heart desires. Below you’ll find the game, as well the location of our party.
Week 1: Vikings at Chargers – Charlie Sheen’s backyard.
We’re gonna start thing off right for the season… Sheen’s pad. We picked this for our first party because Charlie said he’s providing all the booze, women and food. Done and done. The goal of this party is mayhem. Goal for the game: To not let Adrian Peterson run for 296 yards again.
Week 2: Chargers at Patriots – Ghostbusters Firehouse
So they packed up their group, got a grip, came equipped…Grabbed their proton packs off their back and they split. Bonus for this party? The entire cast from the movie will be there. Even Slimer. I call first ride on the firehouse pole. (Cue all the idiot pole comments here.) Goal for the game: Crush Woodhead, Welker, and their QB, Kimmy Gibbler. Try to battle my boys? That’s not legal…
Week 3: Chiefs at Chargers – Bin Laden’s Secret Never-Before-Seen Cave
That cave is open for business since we caught that prick. We’re leaving the San Diego Airport at 7pm stat on Saturday night… that is all you need know. If you’re not sure if this place with look like… think “Cave of Wonders” from Aladdin. Dibs on the Magic Carpet. Goal for the game: Tackle Jamaal Charles.
Week 4: Dolphins at Chargers – 18th Green at Augusta National
We took their “no women” rule and kicked it in the nuts for this one. Proper and quiet? Nut kicked. The Masters isn’t gonna know what hit it. Goal for the game: Own Ricky Williams so badly that he is driven back to the pipe.
Week 5: Chargers at Broncos – Playboy Mansion
The Grotto will probably be officially known as the “LobShots Grotto” after this party. Hef’s providing the ladies…a given. We’ll take care of the rest. Packing list: boardshorts. Goal for the game: Don’t get Tebow’d.
Week 6: BYE – We’ll be on the Galapagos Islands for this entire week. You’re welcome to join us… just riding turtles and stuff.
The Pope will be there…so no video cameras allowed…that’s the only way he’d agree to let us use the dance hall that supposedly doesn’t exist. The big bonus for this party is that everybody will be given a tailored Swiss Guard outfit to take home with you. Goal for the game: Ryan Mathews needs to run over Cromartie for 5 TD’s. Shut down LT. Pick off Dirty Sanchez. Don’t throw to Revis Island.
Week 8: Chargers at Chiefs (Monday Night Football) – Lebron James’ Ego
Week 9: Packers at Chargers – The Murph
We’re actually going to this game, you’re coming with us. We need it to be loud at Qualcomm. Packers will be a Super Bowl favorite, so this win will be huge. Goal for the game: Prove that Philip Rivers is by far the superior QB to Aaron Rodgers.
Week 10: Raiders at Chargers (Thursday Night Football) – The Max from Saved by the Bell
Again, bonus for this week… the entire cast will be there, in character, as their 1993 selves. Don’t ask questions on how we did this… just know that Kelly Kapowski will be there, not that big lady you see on White Collar. Oh, and don’t you dare think of coming near her… she’ll be with me. Jessi and Lisa are yours. Goal for the game: Win (something we couldn’t accomplish in 2010 against them) by such a large margin that Al Davis just dies from shock. Haha, who are we kidding? He’ll already be dead by the time this game comes around.
Week 11: Chargers at Bears – The Jersey Shore House
We decided to allow the cast of the Jersey Shore join us… under a few conditions. No fist pumping, and Snooki has to stay in the phone room. All the girls will be up for grabs, except Kristin Cavallari, who will just happen be with me, cheering against Jay Cutler. Goal for the game: Three words. Jay. Cutler. Disembowelment.
Week 12: Broncos at Chargers – PeeWee’s Playhouse
This is the don’t miss party of the season. Pee-Wee, Chairry, Globey, Cowboy Curtis and the rest of the gang will be there. I call dibs on Chairry. Goal for the game: Get Ryan Mathews 300 yards rushing, lofty, but attainable. Word of the day? Tackle.
Week 13: Chargers at Jaguars (Monday Night Football) – Scrooge McDuck’s Gold Vault
Week 14: Bills at Chargers – Falcor’s Back
Time to put this luck dragon to use. Both Atreyu and Artax will be there. Hell, we’ll even let the Rockbiter join us. This is gonna work. Promise. Goal for the Game: Don’t be embarrassed by an embarrassing Buffalo franchise. Win.
Week 15: Ravens at Chargers (Sunday Night Football) – Billy Madison’s Tent
The tent of wonders, I like to call it. Billy, Veronica Vaughn, Karl, Eric, The Revolting Blob and even our bus driver buddy Farley is gonna take a hiatus from death to come hang out. Should be amazing…nobody parties like Billy Madison. Nobody. We’re gonna party like it’s 1588. Goal for the Game: Run over Ray Lewis all day and constantly mock him for getting replaced in Old Spice ads by Fabio.
Week 16: Chargers at Lions – Kate Upton’s place
Finish strong, right? Yes, that’s the picture she sent directly to me. It just got awkward right? I mean, you guys are gonna feel weird being in the same place at the same time as Kate and me, huh? You’ll be constantly feeling like you’re interrupting a private moment? We get that a lot, every time people spend time around us. We’re used to it though, so it’s cool. Don’t be bashful, you can join us. My goal for the game and the Chargers’ goal for the game will be very different. Chargers Goal should be to make Matthew Stafford’s face less pretty… and win. My goal, you ask? Wouldn’t you like to know, mind your manners.
Week 17: Chargers at Raiders – I’ll tell you where. Someplace warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I’m talking about a little place called Aspen.
Hmmm, California. Beautiful! The Hawaiian Tropic ladies will be staying this time. Harry, Lloyd, Mary, Billy in 4C & his pretty bird Petey will all be there too. We have the full briefcase to use at our own discretion, so no further explanation is necessary. Goal for the game: Hold Oakland to negative yards rushing, rest our stars for the playoffs.
It’s going to be a great season, fellow lobbers… buckle up for the ride. Go Bolts.
(note: you’re an idiot if you think i’d pay to send you anywhere for free. pay up, suckas. these parties are game changers)